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SATCE: Sex and the Canadian Election

Stoss — Mon, 09 May 2011 14:11:42 +0000

Well, our 36-day ordeal of lies, cheating, attack ads, nonsense, and moustaches is over. We have a majority Conservative government led by Steven Harper. But how did an election, which really should have ended up with the same result as before, change the political landscape of Canada so much? My theory is Sex and the City.

Canada is Carrie Bradshaw. We are strong and determined, a little neurotic, we help our friends and neighbours, and all in all we just want to be loved. A lot of people want us to succeed in our quest and we have a strong group of friends: Samantha (if there is a better analogy for the USA than this character, I don’t know it), Miranda (her lesbian overtones and her need for independence reminds me of Germany for some reason), and Charlotte (soft and quiet England, but piss her off and she’ll declare war like crazy).

Duceppe is Petrovsky. He wants Carrie to move to his foreign French land and woos her with art and smooth-talking, but all in all he offers empty promises and really only has one schtick. So, we move on to someone who at least doesn’t look like a corpse at his news conferences.

Layton is that weird guy from OfficeSpace… Burger I think his name was. He has a few good jokes and is a solidly written character who will make us feel warm and safe and loved, but in the end he will break up with us on a post-it note. Along the way he will tell us repeatedly that everyone else in the game is, “Just not that into us”, but we know the truth. After our inevitable break up we will meet his friends in a bar and tell them how awful he was.

Ignatieff is Aidan. He may very well be the perfect guy for us. He understands us, he truly loves us, he tries so hard to get us to love him, but for some reason we just can’t fully commit to him. He tries numerous ways to propose, but we just won’t wear that ring. We give a feeble attempt of putting it around our neck, but he won’t accept that, he wants it all. We push him out of our apartment as dramatically as possible and then he goes ahead and opens a bar with our good buddies at UofT. The nerve of this guy!

And of course Harper is Mr. Big. We bumped into him in Calgary and swapped coy glances. Then suddenly he comes knocking on our door and gives us a good banging once in a while. He provides us with some financial security, but then flies to a foreign land and comes back with a massive commitment. So,we give him a little ‘minority’ of our time, and he lies to us a couple times, but despite the love affair ending in yelling and screaming a few times, we whole heartedly commit and throw ourselves on his footstep. We marry him and give him all of our trust. I am just waiting for our trip to Abu Dhabi to start…

But in the end we realize that a crazy French man can’t do anything for us, a jokester with a moustache can’t really be what we want, and Aidan just tried too hard. So we fall comfortably into the rhythm of a known evil, who in all likelihood will screw us over, but hey, it will make a hell of a sequel for a group of four women who can’t get work elsewhere…

V is for “Anna Paquin is hot”

Stoss — Tue, 25 Aug 2009 19:05:18 +0000

As recommended by a friend and source of always different and enjoyable reading/viewing material, I recently started watching “True Blood”. For those of you that haven’t seen it, I will try not to issue too many spoilers, at least none that a pre-pubescent goth freak couldn’t grasp about 12.5 minutes into the first episode.

The show overall is enjoyable. I can willing suspend my belief that in this world vampires exist and Anna Paquin can read thoughts as a relatively good plot device, between her periodically losing her fake southern drawl that is. But, I do have to admit Mel Gibson did a better job using such a talent to his benefit, I mean banging Helen Hunt & Marissa Tomei in one movie? Good for him…. I digress…

A few things I find interesting:

For a religious small town in New Orleans, these people not only have crazy amounts of sex, the sex itself is more wild and elaborate than most Private releases. However that isn’t the disturbing part. what disturbs me is that before many of these sexcapades that would make Jenna Haze blush, they make it very clear to each other that they have had plenty of sex ,with plenty of people, and sometimes even state that it was just earlier that day. In fact, when our heroin Anna Paquin finally gives up her cherry, in what can only be described as the best display of breasts on television in 2008, she feels it necessary to scream it out loud… to a bar full of people… where she works… which the guy she just went on a date with a couple nights before owns…The few days after she discovered two loved one’s murdered bodies… But,hell, she had great hooters though, eh?

And then there is Jason, the brother, who I can only picture as an homage to Ellis’ Patrick Bateman, who fucks a girl doggy style behind a bar, while covered in garbage. I am all for adventure, and exhibition… but seriously? I am pretty sure I saw his truck in the background of the shot, it was 20 yard away… trade-offs, man, trade-offs…

Now, for a country that has been fighting the war on drugs so long that the girls they initially were targeting now have more problem with their nipples touching the ground, than with excessive marijuana use, they certainly are promoting the hell out of “V” (aka Vampire Blood). This apparently is a miracle drug! It saves a person’s life by miraculously healing her and giving her a dog’s smell and a bat’s hearing, then in one episode it acts like Viagra on Ecstasy and pumps up a guys cock in the most fake erection through the pants seen in TV history, and in the very next show it makes fireworks shoot of some guest star girl’s tits. Well, truth be told I see fireworks every time I see tits too, that has less to do with drugs… It also has this magical power of making you fuck up everything in your life. But then again, don’t all drugs? Don’t do drugs kids.

The other thing that is interesting about this town is that everyone seems to have a job (or 2) and they never need to go. I think the phrase “ isn’t coming in today” is uttered once per episode. But, I mean I guess there are more important things to do, like getting arrested for every girl you sleep with dying, but then getting let go after the cliffhanger, or trot around town with a vampire who you have more of a Ross/Rachel relationship with than me and my constant love/hate affair with Tostitos.

Now, what is missing from this review? Oh yeah, the VAMPIRES! For a show that has a premise of vampires, they are really nothing but a subplot and allusion to the black/white race issues of the southern US. It isn’t even an allusion, actually. It is referenced in the damn title sequence!

The references to this are not poetic and are not subtext-ed at all. The characters bringing up segregated bars, a main character comments, after her daughter notes how white a vampire is, “No honey, we’re white”. The continuous assertion that a “few bad apples are making all vampires look bad” and even the utterance that once you go vampire you never go back (Doesn’t really have the same ring to it, does it?)… Do they really need to spell this out anymore?

In the end, entertaining. Not my favourite show, but I find myself caring a little bit for what happens, and when sitting alone in a hotel it makes for good watching… wait, did you just say there is porn on the Internet? umm… bye…

Thoughts By Stoss p5

Stoss — Thu, 22 Sep 2005 22:51:39 +0000

So, one thing that is quite neat about women and men is the different approaches they take on appearance. I found that when women need a haircut, they plan long in advance, have 2 or 3 magazine clippings chosen for the style and have had, at minimum, an hour or 2 discussion about what colour, style, and whether it will accentuate their jaw line too much with a few close girlfriends.

With guys, for instance me, it took 5 minutes of asking directions to the nearest Salon, and my only requirement was “Before Sunday”.

I spent more time deciding on what brand of cereal to buy then I did on what I should wear for the next month on my head. And on that note, don’t buy Muslix, it’s actually birdseed. That stuff is like eating trailmix that actually was made from mixing elements found along a dirt trail. I will stick to my Special K.

I think if a guy went to a salon and asked for the “George Clooney” look, the hairdresser would assume he was gay and could cut his own hair.

And why is it that male haistylists have to be gay? And not just gay, flambouyantly gay. You can spot a male hairstylist from 10 blocks away hidden behind a wall, in the middle of the night. They’re so flaming they light up the street.

Anyway, I think the most important point here is having the “Jennifer Aniston” does not make you Jennifer Aniston.. if it did, men would be even more horny and the world does not need hornier men. ‘Cause at the rate women turn down sex, we’d have to start tapping the gay hairdressers…