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V is for “Anna Paquin is hot”

Stoss — Tue, 25 Aug 2009 19:05:18 +0000

As recommended by a friend and source of always different and enjoyable reading/viewing material, I recently started watching “True Blood”. For those of you that haven’t seen it, I will try not to issue too many spoilers, at least none that a pre-pubescent goth freak couldn’t grasp about 12.5 minutes into the first episode.

The show overall is enjoyable. I can willing suspend my belief that in this world vampires exist and Anna Paquin can read thoughts as a relatively good plot device, between her periodically losing her fake southern drawl that is. But, I do have to admit Mel Gibson did a better job using such a talent to his benefit, I mean banging Helen Hunt & Marissa Tomei in one movie? Good for him…. I digress…

A few things I find interesting:

For a religious small town in New Orleans, these people not only have crazy amounts of sex, the sex itself is more wild and elaborate than most Private releases. However that isn’t the disturbing part. what disturbs me is that before many of these sexcapades that would make Jenna Haze blush, they make it very clear to each other that they have had plenty of sex ,with plenty of people, and sometimes even state that it was just earlier that day. In fact, when our heroin Anna Paquin finally gives up her cherry, in what can only be described as the best display of breasts on television in 2008, she feels it necessary to scream it out loud… to a bar full of people… where she works… which the guy she just went on a date with a couple nights before owns…The few days after she discovered two loved one’s murdered bodies… But,hell, she had great hooters though, eh?

And then there is Jason, the brother, who I can only picture as an homage to Ellis’ Patrick Bateman, who fucks a girl doggy style behind a bar, while covered in garbage. I am all for adventure, and exhibition… but seriously? I am pretty sure I saw his truck in the background of the shot, it was 20 yard away… trade-offs, man, trade-offs…

Now, for a country that has been fighting the war on drugs so long that the girls they initially were targeting now have more problem with their nipples touching the ground, than with excessive marijuana use, they certainly are promoting the hell out of “V” (aka Vampire Blood). This apparently is a miracle drug! It saves a person’s life by miraculously healing her and giving her a dog’s smell and a bat’s hearing, then in one episode it acts like Viagra on Ecstasy and pumps up a guys cock in the most fake erection through the pants seen in TV history, and in the very next show it makes fireworks shoot of some guest star girl’s tits. Well, truth be told I see fireworks every time I see tits too, that has less to do with drugs… It also has this magical power of making you fuck up everything in your life. But then again, don’t all drugs? Don’t do drugs kids.

The other thing that is interesting about this town is that everyone seems to have a job (or 2) and they never need to go. I think the phrase “ isn’t coming in today” is uttered once per episode. But, I mean I guess there are more important things to do, like getting arrested for every girl you sleep with dying, but then getting let go after the cliffhanger, or trot around town with a vampire who you have more of a Ross/Rachel relationship with than me and my constant love/hate affair with Tostitos.

Now, what is missing from this review? Oh yeah, the VAMPIRES! For a show that has a premise of vampires, they are really nothing but a subplot and allusion to the black/white race issues of the southern US. It isn’t even an allusion, actually. It is referenced in the damn title sequence!

The references to this are not poetic and are not subtext-ed at all. The characters bringing up segregated bars, a main character comments, after her daughter notes how white a vampire is, “No honey, we’re white”. The continuous assertion that a “few bad apples are making all vampires look bad” and even the utterance that once you go vampire you never go back (Doesn’t really have the same ring to it, does it?)… Do they really need to spell this out anymore?

In the end, entertaining. Not my favourite show, but I find myself caring a little bit for what happens, and when sitting alone in a hotel it makes for good watching… wait, did you just say there is porn on the Internet? umm… bye…

Pics For Thought

Stoss — Sat, 23 May 2009 18:41:21 +0000

A few more day-to-day pictures:

Enjoying it while I can
The above comic was sent to me after my blog posts on Mr. Keen’s book about Internet media destroying society. The big-nosed guy on the right makes an interesting point, there will always be a need for writers no matter where we read our news. Interestingly enough, does anyone else notice the bomb on the hippy on th left’s computer? I am not sure if this is a subtle addition by the author that all Internt news readers are terrorists, or if it just a poorly drawn apple. I am hoping it is the later, otherwise I’ll have to learn how to handle anthrax.
A polite indicator	I want to thank the construction company for politely letting me know that if I am planning an emergency, that there is a spot ahead for me to stop and attend to that emergency. By definition isn’t an emergency something that is unplanned or unforeseen? For instance if the car I was in when I took this picture caught on fire, do you really think I would think to myself “Well, shit… I am not near an official emergency stopping area, guess I’ll keep on plugging forward?” Aside from the stupidity of this sign, I wonder how much this sign cost tax payers? I would also love to see statistics on how many people actually use these official stopping areas. Why does no one seem to realize when doing construction budgets how much of a waste things like this are? Let’s from now on spend money on paying the workers to get the work done faster so that “construction season” doesn’t run into winter.
This was a laminated pamphlet sitting on the table of a Toronto restaurant I was eating at. Making a leap I am assuming this was advertising something grown locally. I am not aware of what that plant is, but this was a pamphlet for wine and I am pretty positive this is not a grape vine or a wine barrel. Also I am kinda sure that ripping a plant out, roots and all, from the ground is not a sound gardening practice. What gets me is: Who would think that this graphic a) indicates wine b) makes me want to purchase wine or c) tricks people into thinking that Toronto has dirt and plants? I did not take any marketing classes, but based on my knowledge of print and tv ads the only appropriate place for dirt as a marketing device is for washing detergent, and even then only if you are advertising how it whitens, not how it protects colours. For the later you would want bright clothes that have been washed 100s of times indicated as a caption on your ad. I did not have wine with this meal.	Dirt, an interesting sales strategy

Bad Meat

Stoss — Sun, 17 Jun 2007 16:44:45 +0000

Natural selection is an interesting subject. I was thinking, many animals have developed all sorts of mechanisms to protect themselves or to detect other predators: camouflage skin, heightened smell, night sight etc.

But one thing I don’t understand is: Why the hell do they not change the way they taste? Think about it… if a chicken tasted like “stink bomb”, no one would eat it! If beef had the smell of melted tar, no predators would even go near a cow!

And on a side note, why the hell do chickens not get a fancy name for their meat? Cows are beef, deer is venison, and hell… pigs have ham, pork AND bacon!!! Why is chicken so boring?

Also, why is pork the “other white meat”? Who decided that pork was less important than chicken? Was it discovered AFTER chicken? Hell with 3 names for the meat, you would think that it was more important than chicken! This leads me to my existential question for the week: Which came first the chicken or the pig?

Living in a sonnet

Stoss — Thu, 22 Mar 2007 18:48:55 +0000

I don’t usually tote things on my blog. I am not much of a toter… can you verbize the word tote? Is verbize a word? Anyway, grammar lessons aside, I just watched the movie “Stranger than Fiction”. Apparently this came out last year and was recently released on DVD. I had never heard of it, but it was one fantastic film. An all-star cast supported by a great plot and enough thinking to keep you on the edge of your beanbag chair.

The premise is that a woman is writing a novel, but the main character is actually a real person and is hearing her omnipresent voice everywhere he goes… This made me think… which can be a dangerous thing, because if my brain gets moving too fast my earwax melts from the heat emitted…and cleaning melted earwax out of hair and clothing is just awful.

What is your life is a story to someone? What if someone sat down one day to read your life? Would you be a James Bond novel, Charles Dickens (a true fact, as opposed to those fake facts, about Dickens is that he was the first recorded person to use the word boring, which is ironic as many of his books could be considered as such), maybe it was a romance novel or Nancy Drew?

Regardless whether your life is full of sweaty, heaving bosoms or crotchy, old anti-holiday misers, the simple fact is that life is a story. The interesting thing is the main character in your story (aka. You) is going to die at the end. Classic Shakespearian Tragedy! Except hot, underage, forbidden Capulets will not kill themselves over your death.

So there you have it, proof that life is a tragedy. So basically, fuck it all and enjoy it, ’cause I don’t know about you, but I want a dozen hot, underage, forbidden Capulets on my death bed….

Monster-osity

Stoss — Mon, 12 Mar 2007 18:04:31 +0000

Who decided what monsters look like? Why are they typically depicted as green and furry? Why do they have big teeth and growl?
Did someone decide that green was scary? I don’t envision green as scary.. in fact I have never once seen a person let out a bloodcurdling scream at grass….
And fur isn’t scary! bunnies have fur, and cats. Has anyone ever been afraid of a furry kitten?
Big teeth aren’t scary either! Bugs bunny had buck teeth, and kids love him.. British people have massive teeth, no one fears the British!
And do they hide in closets? Are monsters gay? Are monsters meant as some sort of social commentary on sexual exploration? Is Tom Cruise a monster?
Are closets scary? Do some people go to get dressed in the morning and just end up shivering in the fetal position in the corner?

I have no answers to the above questions.

Sanity or Sanitization?

Stoss — Wed, 26 Apr 2006 08:21:26 +0000

As many of you who are faithful readers of my rants know, I have this very unexplainable obsession with hygiene. We humans have this insane fetish with being absolutely sanitized from top to bottom, so much so that we are actually making ourselves susceptible to worse diseases, by killing the very ugly helpers that eat that bad stuff!

What gets me the most is lining the toilet seat with toilet paper. When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I just enjoy the sensation… I don’t wish there was a cushy layer of “protection”.

We will spend hours rolling around in a hot sweaty lovemaking session swapping unimaginable fluids, then go wash our face before bed.

We blow our nose into 1-ply Kleenex® and then scrub our hands until he skin comes off. But five minutes later we grab a greasy burger, carry it to our booth on a “well washed” tray and then eat it and lick our fingers.

Or how about Chicken wings? Served in highly sanitized wicker baskets coated with wax paper? YUM!

We religiously check expiry dates, and then eat day old muffins from Coffee Time because we same 10 cents.

Humans are insane.

Recent Events

Stoss — Tue, 18 Apr 2006 00:13:03 +0000

Typically I write about derivitives of personal thoughts and conversations, however, in light of recent events, I will combine random thoughts with actually reality.
DISCLAIMER: Facts may be changed, twisted, diluted or exaggerated in order to make this more entertaining…. If you want news spell Stoss with a C and two N’s.

Shedden has recently become a famous place for what the news says is one of the largest mass murders in Canada. People look at this as a bad thing. I disagree. I think the fact that one of the largest mass murders in Canada is represented by 8 people being popped gangsta’ style in the middle of nowhere, is a good thing. In Detroit, that’s a Wednesday…
Now, in 2 years on Jeopardy when the answer is “Rhubarb capital of Ontario” and someone says “What is Shedden?”, they aren’t actually asking, they know!
Now, I am not “all for” dumping bodies in woods, however ya gotta admit, if you had dead bodies lying around in your backyard, it’s easier than digging a hole…

This weekend was also Easter. I am not sure what is worse; believing that a giant bunny hops around delivering chocolate to kids or believing it happens on the weekend Jesus rose from the dead…. As most of you know, I am not a very religious person, however, I do know my Bible stories, and at no time during Holy Week was Jesus ever given chocolate. He was given stones, but that was in a different manner….

Is this It?

Stoss — Thu, 02 Mar 2006 19:48:35 +0000

So I was thinking, which is scary enough in itself, but regardless. What if human beings are exactly like any other animal, except that we have this highly developed brain which causes morals, emotions, thought etc?
Do the popular lions always win Class President? Is there a class system of buzzards flying above us? Do lonley, bored seaturtles lay in their boxers shorts, sipping on a beer while channel flipping at 3am hoping to catch an exposed boob on cable tv?

My guess is not… We have invented these constructs using our all powerful minds, which leads me to believe that, yes, this is it. There is no magical purpose in life for a zebra. He trots along ’til a cheetah makes it dinner. This is the same for us. We are not here to unveil some mystical truth, we are here to trot along until cancer turns us into compost.

Some may view this as depressing. I view it as liberating. Once we stop thinking we are higher and mightier beings, we can start to notice the little things more. A friend of mine had as an MSN name “95% of species that have existed on this planet are no extinct, what makes you think your odds are so good?”

Forget about social constructs, stigmas and arbitrary rules that can change depending on which way the wind is blowing. Animals, plants and humans ([sic] see animals) are here for one reason: None. So enjoy it, this is it. That’s not a bad thing. And until we accept it, we’ll all just be like the seaturtles.

Wine-ing away

Stoss — Mon, 13 Feb 2006 19:06:26 +0000

Who invented wine? Who decided that squishing the juice out of a small fruit and then letting it rot would taste good?

I can understand milk. It was definently some teenage bet in the 1200s, some guy was like “I bet ye” (because they said ‘ye’ a lot back then) “I bet ye 20 doubloons to imbibe whatever comes forth from yonder awfully replulsive apparatus hanging beneath that large wild beast.” And then he drank, and became rich by marketing the liquid, and still charged his friend the 20 dubloons.

But wine… it just doesn’t make sense. Was there ever a period when someone was like, “Let’s let this meat rot, eat it and see if it gets us loaded?” For that matter did they really think a liquid that made you nauseous and puke was good for you? I mean this discovery was made by people who thought the world was flat. Their science skills were akin to the grape they were squishing.

It’s quite amazing where we are now, where instead of betting someone to suck a cow tit, or seeing what rotting fruit tastes like, we can put pretty much anything in the microwave for 5 minutes and have a 5 course meal.

In the Beginning…

Stoss — Sat, 04 Feb 2006 20:50:12 +0000

Today I had an Earth-shattering revelation. I have discovered who God is…
Yes, after much thought and analysis I have deciphered the age old mystery that has plagued mankind and religious sects for all eternity.

God is Asian People.

Don’t believe me? Think about it. God is Omnipresent right? Well… Asians are everywhere! There are a couple billion in Asia alone! They are now a majority in TO and have ownership of convenience stores on every corner…

Also God is Omnipotent.. Well Asians are known to be smarter than us. They have a better education system, make better cars, electronics, and anyone that can make Communism work, must have a good head on their shoulders.

Also, they invented Godzilla. Now it stands to reason that Godzilla is a monster that eats Gods. And in the movies, he eats Asians. hmmm….. maybe Godzilla movies were meant as a hint to us whiter skinned folks.

Anyway, now that I am sure I offended all Asians, all religions and probably a few God eating monsters, I am going to end this blog.

Ramping Cereal

Stoss — Fri, 19 Aug 2005 22:50:47 +0000

So you are having a sleepy morning, rubbing your eyes, PJs half on, half off, slowly walking to the kitchen bumping into walls and trying not to turn on deadly lights that burn your retinas . You reach for your favourite bowl and spoon, and sleepily pour some cereal into the bowl.
You go get that smooth, refreshing cool milk to make this dish the wakeup meal you desperately crave, and as you pour that delicious white nectar of cows over your dried wheat crisps it suddenly shoots over the edge! Holy cow!(<– hehehe, bad pun) Now you are half asleep and pissed, there is milk everywhere and it is dripping onto the floor and then you slam down the milk jug and it squirts all over making it so much more worse. You start shaking your head in disgust and as you do the jug tips over and soaks everything in the area.
Your morning is ruined, your whole counter is ruined. Life…. is…. over.

And all because of Ramping Cereal….that’s right ramping cereal…..By that I am reffering to any cereal brand that has the curvature to send milk flying in all sorts of directions. Oh the humanity! Why can’t Corn flakes be flat?! Frosted Flakes could be sticks! Life would be so much easier! Women are meant to have curves, cereal is meant to have taste! Those are two facts of life! Fix this problem! PLEASE! It’s driving me mad!

Thoughts By Stoss p3

Stoss — Fri, 22 Jul 2005 22:48:18 +0000

Where do homeless people get the markers and bristol board? Shouldn’t they be spending the money they do on signs, on FOOD?! Here’s an idea use the cash to buy a fruit cup! We get the fact that you are homeless…. Very rarely do home’d people cover their bodies in mud and sit on the side of the road, just for fun… It’s just not that common. So yes, we get it, we know you are hungry, that is why you are skinny. And if you have a hat out in front of you, no one is going to think you are a hat’s salesman. Signs are not necessary in this case.

So in conclusion, do NOT spend money on markers and bristol board to write on “HUNGRY, please help”. I don’t write one saying “Not hungry, but if you want to give me money I will accept it”. Signs do not help.